Ephemeral lights and hidden treasures

Ephemeral lights and hidden treasures

I don’t think anybody gets married while at the same time entertaining the thought of ever divorcing the person they chose as their future wife/husband, even if in hindsight, it might be crystal clear to many of us that divorce was the only possible ending to the story of our match not exactly made in heaven. But this is a topic for another entry.

Last week my son had his Christmas keyboard festival. It was great, thanks to the teacher’s and the students’ hard work, to the kindness of the couple who offered to host the occasion and to the excitement of the musicians’ parents and other relatives.  However, despite having really enjoyed the evening, when I went to bed that night, I was feeling kind of sad.

I guess I had my five minutes worth of mourning and self-pity, summarized in the thought: “When I got married, I did not imagine a few years down the line I’d be sharing such a special moment as tonight’s with my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-husband and his girlfriend”.

I guess sadness can creep up on everyone from time to time, caused by the abyss that can sometimes exist between our dreams and expectations and reality, as it chooses to manifest.

When I think about my failed marriage, I realize there are mainly two things that really hurt regarding the way things ended. First, there’s the feeling of having been abandoned, really being stood up in a relationship and in the project of building a family. Second is believing that, by making a por choice of a mate, I basically wasted my best chance at being part of a couple and a family worthy of the name.

Here in Mexico, we have this saying that goes: “the pillow gives good advice”. It does indeed, as the morning after the Christmas festival, I woke up feeling more serene and thinking that oftentimes what we think will secure our happiness actually ends up bringing us mostly sadness and disappointment, whereas what we might consider a loss or a defeat in time turns out to be a true blessing.

My therapist once told me: “You lost a husband but you gained an Ana Paula”. This is so true. Divorced made me face situations that basically forced me to upscale my resources and to question what was truly essential to me, especially to my happiness and peace of mind. I improved my ability to be with myself through thick and thin.

As for my chance to be a part of a couple and a family, everything I have been through  in recent years has allowed me to see things very differently.

After my divorce, I met the person I consider to be the love of my life, at least of my adult life. As much as I believe the feeling was mutual, things did not work out. I guess timing was awful and he chose to keep on leading his life on the path he was already on.

Having been married and also having missed love with a capital L, right now I don’t really see the point of dating for the sake of dating, or “so as to not be alone”. Nor do I see the point of investing time and energy into dating some random person in the hopes of kindling a little flame of  feeling, when it was so natural and abundant with the person I mentioned earlier. I no longer actively seek to meet anyone and I  just spend my time working, exploring several hobbies and with friends and family.

By the way, that is another thing I’ve learned throughout this sometimes painful and complicated process: the typical family model, that is “dad, mom, kids” not only isn’t the only possible option but it’s not inherently better than all the other configurations out there, contrary to what large chunks of society would have us believe.

Along the same lines, it has been my experience that being in a couple isn’t necessarily better than being single. In “solitude”, in this so often feared and despised state, I have found most of the things I hold dear in life; I have worked on my talents and explored things that interest me. I’ve matured and grown stronger and most importantly, I’ ve aimed at going beyond the arbitrary boundaries that society and our upbringing determine for the experience we have of who we are.

So, back to my son’s festival, along with the occasional sadness for how certain things happened, I also feel  joy and gratitude:

• ·       For having a son, the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, so much so that almost nine years after he was born, I sometimes can’t believe he’s in my life.
• ·        That, despite everything, his dad is present in his life.
• ·        That when I see my ex-husband, I no longer experience any good feelings, nor any bad feelings either.
• ·        That his girlfriend seems to be a good person and to genuinely love my son.
• ·        That the mother-in-law who at some point was so difficult for me to deal with is now someone I don’t mind seeing from time to time.

But mostly, I feel happy and thankful that life goes on and keeps unfolding in unpredictable ways, that there is no limit to what we can learn and change and that even though reality might be very different from the way we had pictured it in our heads, this doesn’t necessarily affect our chances of finding peace, joy, contentment and wonder.

What about you? What makes you sad sometimes? Where have you found joy, unexpected blessings and life lessons? 

As I'm posting this entry, I am having to deal with new developments. My ex-husband's relationship with our son is at a point where I don't know where it'll go from here. I've been seeing a possible rupture coming for a long time and I've been doing my best to avoid it, but I guess some things can't be helped. We can only stand in the way of someone's inner script for so long, before life forces come rolling in and sweep us off their course.

In the midst of our current situation, I feel grateful that  my deepest self is sustaining me and keeping me calm. It is very solid ground for me to stand on. I guess everything that has happened with my ex-husband since the divorce and all the inner work I have done have been a kind of preparation for tougher times to come.

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