A little perspective

A little perspective

About ten years ago, I read something, specifically one sentence, that comes back to me regularly. I found it in a book written by Arnaud Desjardins, one of the people responsible for introducing Indian philosophy to France’s mainstream, many years ago.

Anyway, in the particular excerpt I am referring to, Mr. Desjardins explains how, in the language of the place  in India  where he  was at the time, the verb “to have” apparently doesn’t exist. As a result of this, people cannot say for instance, “I have a son/daughter” and instead use the following expression: “A CHILD IS GROWING BY MY SIDE.".

He then proceeds to discuss how this figure of speech can and does in fact impact on the way people in that particular culture understand parenting and raising children.

I guess each one of us will find different kinds and layers of meaning in such beautiful and profound words as these, depending on our life experiences.

I think if this story has stuck with me over the years, it must be because it somehow speaks to me, to who I am as a mother, as well as to what I aspire to achieve in my relationship with my son.

I only have him. I guess some people around me must think I didn’t have a second child because I got divorced when my son was only one and a half. The truth is, even before my marriage came to an abrupt end, my then husband and I had discussed and chosen the option of being a three-element family.

Although I don’t really remember what our reasons for this were back then, I do know that, seven and a half years into “life after divorce”, I still feel “one” (child) is the perfect number for me.

Even if I my marriage fell apart, I can say in all honesty that I don’t really have any regrets, at least not any capable of lasting more than the random gloomy afternoon or evening. There are many reasons why I’ve managed, not without my share of pain and trying times, to finally move on and leave “what once was” in the past where it belongs. But the main one is my son; the marriage, the divorce, the bitter moments… it was all worth it, because at the end of the day, I was given the most precious treasure I could ever have hoped for.

Not that parenting is easy, not that it doesn’t make you rethink all of your priorities and put many of them on hold, not that you don’t often wonder how you could do a better job of it...

I guess the reason why I keep coming back to this beautiful phrase is that it somehow helps me go back to basics; it assists me in sorting out what truly matters, from all that’s ultimately unimportant; worries, expectations, hopes, fears, etc. that are mere distractions, just a terrible waste of time.

Although I know life offers no guarantees whatsoever, when my son was very little, in my mind and heart, I sort of made a bargain with God, which was, when I think about it, more of a pact with myself, since I also believe praying and looking to the skies for favors and exceptions doesn’t really work (at least not how we often think or expect it will).

Anyway, this “bargain” went along the following lines: “As long as my son is alright, basically meaning “alive”, I don’t, and won’t, mind the hard times, the challenges, the heartbreak, the exhaustion, the uncertainty, the potential losses etc. that come not only with being a parent, but with life in general. Put another way: I’M GAME!”

Of course, I can only hope with all the strengh of my heart that my son will be alright and that I’ll go before him, but beyond that, I think what this mental adjustment did for me, and still does every day, is really to help me put things in perspective, time and again.

I mean, as valid and natural, as it may be for me to strive to “be the best parent possible”, to create the safest, most interesting environment  possible for him to grow up in, to make sure he has the best educational opportunities that both his dad and I can afford, to suffer in advance at the thought of him someday being, as we say in Portuguese, “away from my eyes” for long periods of time, to support him in making the most of his schooling and social circle, in becoming a well-rounded individual and in growing in strengh, compassion, intelligence and empathy, etc. , just by  adding the tiniest bit of perspective to my outlook, I quickly realise all of this is absolutely superfluous, when set up against the awful possibility of him simply not being here anymore, of him ceasing to “grow by my side”.

What I mean by this is a child should not be their parents’ project. As moms and dads, we definitely do not have all the answers and as the cliché goes, there’s a lot more to be learned than taught when interacting with a child.

So, even if my mind still makes calculations, both present and future, I do try not to spend too much of our precious time on that. I’d rather just BE with my son, talking, hugging and kissing him, going for a special drink at Starbucks or for a popsicle at our neighborhood ice cream parlour, cooking, reading, arguing, negotiating, setting limits, scolding him or even losing my temper, laughing, and hopefully, being less serious, less adult-like, just as he makes sure to let me know he would like me to be.

I guess for me, the beauty of foregoing the verb “to have” when speaking about one’s children and instead saying that they are growing next to us, lies in  that it underlines the reality that they are whole beings, and that they already have  the capacity to grow and develop in them, just as  trees do. What they need from us is respectful guidance. This is a good reminder to step back, to stop tampering with their inner wisdom, in an attempt to have our agenda prevail.

But more than that, this expression never fails to make me more aware of the deep truth in Albert Einstein’s quote, about there being two ways to live one’s life: the first being as if nothing’s a miracle, and the second, as if everything is.

As is often the case, the most magical and amazing aspects of life are right there, under our noses, but we seldom see them for what they are: true MIRACLES. 

We scatter so much of our energy and attention worrying about our kids and their future, that we completely lose sight of the absolutely mind blowing fact that we come into this world equipped with the possibility of creating and/or sustaining life, of being, no matter what, one of the most important people in someone’s life.

This actually goes beyond having and/or raising kids. I think it's about our perceiving the incredible reality that we are wired to connect with all of life, with the good, the interesting and the beautiful  aspects of it, but with the sad, the tragic, and the challenging ones as well. We were made to bask in the light of BEING, of witnessing everything inside and around us be born, grow, unfold, develop, change, wither and die.

For this New Year, even if I have been working on specific resolutions, I would like to take this opportunity to focus on something even more meaningful: I want to state an intention/wish that hopefully will color 2018, and beyond, in a whole new set of shades and hues:

May my senses, my mind and heart always be receptive to the absolute privilege and gift it is to have, not only a son growing (and continually evolving and transforming) by my side, but also friends, relatives, students, pets, plants, animals, challenges, places, opportunities, surprises, life lessons, disappointments, dreams, human genius and its dark side as well, answers, questions, doubt…

May I know how to tap into the infinite space in the depths of BEING, so that my heart will keep expanding to make room for it all.

What about you? What is growing beside you?

Find me on Instagram: manzana_iridiscente12

Or write to me at: theiridescentapple@yahoo.com

If you speak/understand Spanish, you might like to take a look at my other blog manzanairidiscente.blogspot, where you'll find more reflections and musings on  learning, the spiritual journey, finding lasting joy and contentment and much more...

Credits pics (both on Unspash.com)

1. Jeremy Bishop.

2. Jungwoo Hong