Footprints on the road

Footprints in the sand

When I was younger, it would suprise me whenever people told me I seemed like a very relaxed, even-tempered person. It saddened me that the impression I somehow conveyed would often be so different from my inner reality.

Truth is, just like the old cartoon, I went through life carrying my own personal black cloud over my head; a cloud made of anxiety and sadness, feeding on Beck’s famous trilogy: “a negative outlook on one’s  self, the world and the future”.

I think it was this that drew me, from an early age, to “personal development”, to call it somehow. I guess the wiser and saner part of myself realized, on one hand, that my situation at the time could by no means be called a “good life” and , on the other, that I alone would be no match to the legacy of years of “less tan functional” experiences, conditionings and interpretations.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I seeked counseling at a young age and a few years later, did a BA and then an MA in Psychology. Both my studies and my experience being a patient have enriched my life in many ways.

However, besides my interest in Psychology and all its benefits, I was always curious about more spiritual topics as well. Through the years, I have come in contact with several and different traditions of thought, faith and spiritual practice.  As a result of this constant search, I have tailored a very personal spiritual practice, that has changed over time and which I am sure will continue to evolve in the future.

Nowadays, when someone tells me I appear to be laid-back, what I feel is joy, since the way I still come across is now an accurate reflection of how I feel most of the time. The black cloud has dissipated.

I obviously still respond to the difficult situations that arise both in my life and around me; I’d have to be a robot or a seriously self-centered person not to. Still, what I have learned and practiced over the years allows me to feel great peace, even in the midst of challenging situations and turbulent emotions.

So, where does this sense of peace come from? I’d say it comes from having access to a point of view that is radically different to the one we learn to have. To summarize it a lot, from this perspective, I have absolutely nothing to prove, or gain, or lose, because: 1. everything is won in the first place, and 2. the person supposed to prove, gain or lose something, does not really exist, or rather, she does exist, but as an indivisible part of something much, much bigger.

Now, I want to make clear WHAT THIS IS NOT.  It is not brainwashing, it’s not something I BELIEVE in, and it is not a limited and superficial attitude towards life, very fashionable in certain circles by the way, according to which “everything is perfect and anything is posible”. Rather it is what I have EXPERIENCED. It’s what mystics have been talking and writing about for centuries. It’s the core of all religions, the Pearl hidden (sometimes almost buried) under layers of rituals, lifestyles,  inaccurate interpretations and attemps at manipulation.

In my personal experience, the psychological approach has proved very useful. It helps me widen the way I understand both life at large and my personal circumstances. It has also provided me with tools to daily manage the elements of my personality that I consider to be my “Achilles heel”.

On the other hand, my spiritual take on life is what completes the picture. It is what gives me a much comprehensive perspective; what allows me to relativize and give new meaning to everything I experience, including my positive qualities and shortcomings. I am so glad I don’t have to choose between these two standpoints, as I find they not only complement each other, but they actually merge together at times.

If you are reading this, it is highly possible that you are on a quest yourself.

If this is the case, I would like to say three things to you. To me they are the most important things I’ve learned along my own path.

Number 1: You are closer than anyone else  to your own essence 

Access to the deepest and most authentic part of your being does not depend on your dedicating a lot of time and effort to the study and practice of a specific religion, philosophy or lifestyle. It is not the prize at the end of the road.  I don’t mean to say that these things can’t be useful, but don’t ever forget that the reality that underlies everything is wider and more mysterious than any worldview, and therefore, nothing can hold it in its entirety. I once read an article in which a Buddhist teacher said something along the lines of: “Even the best of paths has to be left behind at some point”. Access to your essence should not be too complicated, exactly because it is your essence. Beware not to be too distracted by the appeal and promises of theologies or other systems of thought. Don’t let them “explain” your essence to you, because you are closer to it than they are.

Number 2: Always follow your intuition.

The spiritual search is a process and your deep wisdom knows what it is that you need at any given moment. No matter how renowned a teacher, a method or a book may be, if they do not resonate with you, it means they are not the right way for you to keep on delving into  your journey of discovery. When you find something that you really need, you will naturally want to explore this option, even if it might at times seem challenging or out of your comfort zone. Be confident that you are not groping in the dark, but rather, that something inside you is guiding you on the right direction.

Number three: Never give up.  

“Dark nights of the soul” are real, and in a world like ours, where the most terrible kinds of suffering, cruelty, injustice and lack of meaning are all too real as well, the quest for absolute good and love can seem like a fool’s endeavor. Some time ago, I read an anonymous post on Facebook that said there are two mistakes we can make when it comes to undertaking a spiritual search: either never getting started or quitting prematurely. On my own path, especially during times of doubt and exhaustion, there were always people showing me the way; proving that I was not lost and that I was not crazy for insisting on going forward. To me, their presence was like footprints on the road, showing me someone had tread that path before me. I sincerely hope I can be that same sort of presence for you. So, if you’re already on your way, don’t ever give up.

There’s a verse in the Bible that speaks of “the peace that transcends all understanding”. My personal experience has been that, even if there may never be an answer to some of my questions, even if I never understand how there can be so much evil in this world, I do feel peace. Not only do I feel it, but I also know it is the essence of everything that exists. It is this peace that  gives me the certainty that there is nothing to be lost, or won. Even if I die, I won’t lose. How could I not be relaxed and joyful, knowing this? Not believing it, not hoping it, but knowing it.

Find me on Instagram: manzana_iridiscente12

Or write to me at: theiridescentapple@yahoo.com

Pic credits:

1. Aleksandr Ledogorov on Unsplash

2. Joseph Barrientos on Unsplash

3. Tyler Milligan on Unsplash